Outside the Peripheral

One of many outlets for my creativity across the vast yet infinitely small plane of connection we call the internet

The Decline of…(Fill in the Blank)

Honestly I do think we are declining as a civilization.  I mean, technology is nice and all but still…even if this is some sort of evolution, we’re still declining.  Learning, pft, learning is for the birds when we have everything at our fingertips.  I’ll even say it, I feel dumber since getting into college.  In high school I LEARNED even if it was sitting up until four in the morning reading Wikipedia or books or news articles or any other myriad of information and I retained it.  Maybe drinking is part of the problem but I can guarantee it started during my freshman year of college.  Not sure whether to blame myself or the school or a majority of the students.  Like Bill Hicks I am a misanthropic humanist and I am very, very hard to understand and get along with at times, ask a majority of my friends!  Ah, I digress, yes the decline of humanity and civilization.  We’re warring with a whole other culture right now!  Sure they’re different from us, in a sense, but they’re founded on some religious philosophy that comes from?  Yes! The same damn person; that Abraham fellow who nearly sacrificed his own son to his deity which is also they’re deity…funny.  And we have a problem with THEM?! How dare us!  I swear, it’s the decline of truth that is causing us to fuck ourselves continually; it’s the self-righteous masturbation and loathing we’ve created with the illusions we present ourselves.  We do our own harm outside of the harm others inflict on us at times but for the most part, it’s our own doing.  It’s this balance thing we all TALK and PREACH about but never actually do.  Maybe that’s also fucking us over, just maybe?  Or maybe I’m just a grumpy old man or just a rebellious teenager or maybe a combination of the two.  Either way, we’re in a decline here, people…

Anxiety Attack

I need a cigarette…

It’s happening again,

that end of year mental breakdown.

That crushing sensation of

widespread panic,

so very manic.

And this apartment…

Now I know how my mother feels.

It’s a never ending battle,

I just need to get out,

want to get out,

it’s screaming inside,

GET THE FUCK OUT!

So I sit and pound this out,

clack, clack of my fingers on the keys.

It’s coming from the deep,

fight or flight,

the inner psyche…

And it’s calmed,

all it took was a bit of poetry,

but it still lingers.

Finals are here,

everything is coming at once,

breathe, man, breath!

God, I really want a cigarette…

I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life but that great consciousness of life.

—Kerouac

I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money. I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.

—Kerouac

Musing to Neo Folk

As another semester comes to an end and I await the end of my last semester in December, ponderances come to me as I sit procrastinating yet again on homework that is due soon.  In recent memory I had no issues besides the normal teenage angst of heartbreak and an addiction to cigarettes that now I slowly find myself needing less and less of.  The coming of my 21st birthday added the issue of alcohol onto my scheme of mind but it was more heartache that led to the final combat that is alcoholism.  The battle raged and found me in positions that I plan to never find myself in again.  Now that I’m in more or less normal shape (as normal as normal can be subjectively) I find myself going over both the highs and lows and missed opportunities of the past four years.  The main missed opportunities always go back to girls I’ve come into contact with and gotten to know at school.  Mostly not taking chances or asking them out when I knew I had at least a shot at a date.  Instead I went after girls that were not good for me whatsoever.  However, thus is life and I no longer find myself bitter to it.   I also find much disappointment in losing myself to the bottle like I did.  It’s almost if I lost not only part of myself but part of my mind for awhile and only now do I find myself being able to write as I once did, at least academically.  Will I fall back into things again? Possibly but never as deep.  I’ve found that each time you slip, at least for me, it’s easier and easier to get out of the hole you found yourself in. 

Philosophy, nature, love, folk music, music in general, guns, movies, life, and more come back to me and I feel that I am in a wonderful place again.  Dying has always been one of the latest fashions but after years of trying to get to that point in a relatively fast manner, I’m quite content mostly taking care of myself and enjoying things instead of trying to rush the inevitable.  A modern day hipster and beat child mixed with the culture of Texas…the redneck hippy as I was called times before…not the son of disater I took on to settle my scores.   

It takes…

21 days to form a habit and four weeks for your body to start showing substantial signs of exercising. 

I’ve turned around and cleaned myself off after a summer and semester of bullshit.  Now for the physical and rest of the mental cleansing and exercising